Saturday, January 29, 2011

Sad 2.0

Well after Thursday's post, things just got worse. Usually I LOVE Thursdays as they are Grey's nights (my sister and I go over to my mom's house to watch Grey's Anatomy and have clam dip and Pepsi)! It's really just a great excuse to get together once a week no matter what is going on in our lives.

Work sucked and I was still sad so I decided to visit my granparents on my mom's side. It was a good visit, but I found myself not really listening to what my grandma was saying. The whole time she was talking I was wishing that I was a little girl again and that I could climb up in her lap and she could make things all better. I hate that she is getting older and I realize how special our time is together...at this point it would probably make more sense for her to climb up in my lap!

After that visit I went home to feed the dogs and then headed over to my parent's house. I decided to visit with my dad's parents a little first (yes all my grandparents are still alive, married to each other and live 10 minutes away from me). I know how lucky I am and I try to visit each of them at least once a week. It was a good visit with them too. They all talk about Addison with me so that is wonderful. My dad's mom lost 3 full term babies an hour after birth. They had the RH factor, but they didn't know that then. I don't want to imagine doing this 3 times! The worst part is that it wasn't talked about so she dealt with her losses all on her own...how she didn't go completely nuts is beyond me even years after she is gone my heart is broken for her.

Grey's was a repeat, but it was more about spending time with the fam anyways. I showed them the obit and got their approval. On my way home I just felt weird. I spent some time with Brian and then went to bed...or tried to at least. It wasn't long after laying there the tears began to fall. This is pretty normal and it's been a few days so it seemed fine. Then out of nowhere I started crying hard. Like can't catch your breath, body shaking, noisy crying! Poor Brian! Thank goodness he didn't have to work the next day. This sort of crying lasted over an hour and then just soft crying for about another hour...When you are already exhausted this kind of crying really takes its toll! I think I managed to fall asleep just before 2am.

There is something slightly ironic about this. I am supposed to be kept up at night from crying, but it's not supposed to be my own! You would think sleep would be the one benefit I would get out of this, but you would be wrong!

I was SO tired the next morning, but felt a little better. Made it to work and then started crying at my desk...fml. I hate crying at work, luckily this is only the second time. I tried to be quiet about it, but when I couldn't control it I went to sit in my car for a few minutes. I did manage to pull myself together and made it through the rest of the day.

Today is a better day, maybe I just needed to get that out of my system since it’s been a few days. Tonight it is Brian's office party...I am so not looking forward to going only because I was so I excited to get to bring Addison this year. It's the same with the super bowl party his boss has. Just a few weeks before Addison was born we went shopping for her super bowl outfit...I am not sure whether I will be able to go to that. It all depends where I am at emotionally when that day comes.

It's funny how some days I feel like I am doing so well (for my circumstances) and then others I feel like I am going backwards. I hate that it has been so long since I held my baby girl and kissed her sweet little face. I know it's only going to get longer and that kills me. So here we are another Saturday. The 8th Saturday with no Addison, it's far too many, but the reality is that there will be more to come.

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