Wow...1 month...I can't believe it. Time is so weird now. On one hand I can't believe it's been a whole month since we lost our little girl and on the other it feels like it's been years since that day at the hospital. I feel like I have aged 10+ years. I have made more decisions that I ever could have imagined in such a short time period. I look in the mirror and don't even recognize myself...there is no color in my face and the spark that used to be there is lost. I hope it will come back someday, but maybe I will never look like me to myself because I am forever changed. I count the 4th as the day it all began because that is the day we found no heartbeat, the 5th is a day I am hoping can be happier because that is the day we met our sweet baby girl.
My time table for the last month goes something like this:
12/4-Found out Addison didn't have a heartbeat
12/5-Addison was born
12/7-left the hospital
12/8-made funeral arrangements
12/14-Brian went back to work
12/17-picked up Addison's ashes from funeral home
12/21-I went back to work
12/24-Christmas Eve dinner at our house
12/25-Christmas with the fam
12/27-Met with a mom like me
12/29-went home from work early after a "sad day"
12/31-1/2-New Years with friends, great getaway, but Brian hurt his knee
That was A LOT to fit into a one month period! There is something to be said for a "boring" month where nothing happens...I miss those times!
There were lots of "sad days" and nights in there, but I didn't keep track of all of them. 12/29 was a super hard day and I couldn't tell you why. I hate when it happens like that. I just woke up crying that day, no real reason or trigger. I decided to go to work and try and make it until noon and then reevaluate. I made it, but was even worse than that morning so I decided to go home.
I stopped at the grocery store to pick up some things I needed due to the fact that I had given birth, which made me sadder so I bought a maple bar too. Ate my maple bar on the way home, had a good cry, took a bath and ate my weight in ice cream...it actually helped a little! I wouldn't recommend it for an everyday fix, but it was what I needed for that day. I just wish I knew when "those days" were coming...some kind of a heads up, but no, some days are just "sad days" and I have learned that I have no control over when they come or how hard they hit. I have to be ok with it because this is my world now. If I can let some days be sad, it makes other days better.
On 12/27 I met with a mom like me. Its funny how many people have said to me "I know someone who went through this exact same thing". For the record that statement makes me crazy. I get that everyone is trying to help and most the time I can bite my tongue, but let me tell you that NO ONE has gone through this exact same thing. There are people with similar situations, but every situation is different and there is NO EXACT SAME THING...sorry had to get that off my chest :)
Any who back to the mom I met. I think if anyone could have a more similar scenario as me it would be this mom, so it was really nice getting to talk with her about what she went through. She explained that this is like being in "mommy purgatory". She was so right! I am a mom, I have held my daughter in my arms and looked into her face, but I didn't get to keep her and now I have to wait all over again to have a baby, but the one I want the most is off limits.
There are three moments that stand out in my mind as the hardest and can pretty much make me cry on command. The moment I was told there was no heartbeat (I don't think this one needs and explanation). The moment I had to hand Addison to the nurse for the last time. It was so incredibly hard. I knew she wasn't leaving with me, but the realness in saying goodbye was bigger than anything I have ever experienced and brought out the "ugly cry". Then there is the moment we left the hospital. Being wheeled out of the hospital with no baby in my arms was so cruel. The whole way to the truck I wanted to scream. Getting into the truck with her was a moment I had dreamt about and getting into the truck with the empty car seat behind me was unbearable.
I am doing pretty well for the most part...well at least I feel like I am. One thing that really bothers me is when people can't or won't look me in eyes or just flat out avoid me...I don't have the plague people! I have to say I really appreciate the people who will just come right out and say something even if it is just an "I'm sorry". I get that you don't know what to say to me, I don't know what to say to you, but we can figure it out. If you make me cry, it's ok.
I would rather be asked about Addison than to pretend like nothing ever happened. I get that there is an elephant in the room for people, but for me it is my reality. I appreciate the people that check on me through emails, texts or Facebook, it's nice to be thought of and checked on. For the most part, I have been really lucky, I have great friends and family looking out for me, but for those who are scared of me I say...please stop it!
Today I was asked how big my little one was, that was hard, but still nice to be asked. I know the man was trying to help when he told me I could just have another one, but I can't just have another Addison, yes I can have another baby someday, but it will never be my Addison.
We have had the busiest, craziest and saddest month of our lives, but we are putting one foot in front of the other and we will make it. For me there is no other option, but to move forward. This will undoubtedly be the hardest year of our lives, but I look forward to what the future brings us. Please be kind 2011, we need some happiness.