Wednesday, January 19, 2011

It's not Fair

I am feeling very annoyed today. Everything is bothering me. The fact that all I ever wanted out of life was to be a mom (preferably to a little girl) and I waited 26 years for it just to be taken away really makes me mad. Most girls want something more out of life than to just be a mom…not me. Everything I have ever done my entire life was to get me to my baby. I played with dolls as soon as I knew what a doll was.
At 8 years old when I found out I was getting a baby brother I thought that was the best thing to ever happen…my very own live baby doll! For the record my baby brother who is almost 18 is still one of my most favorite people in the world. After he was born I was counting down the months till I was old enough to babysit.
At 11 I took the babysitting courses so I could babysit all the time. It was the best job ever! At 14 I met a family with a son named A that I still "babysit" for I say "babysit" because I love them so much it's just about spending time with them. That could not have been a better match up. Five years later they had a little girl, O. I couldn’t get enough of those two kids and lucky for me there mom is a great at sharing. All this babysitting was great because it allowed me to be around kids, great practice for that day when it would be my turn to be a mom.

I remember making decisions in high school based on what kind of stories I would want to tell my kids (can’t do this, I don’t want to have to tell my kid about that someday). Even the guys I dated were only guys I could picture myself marrying. My plan was to meet my future husband at 21, get married at 23 and have my first baby at 26.

At 21, I asked our friend to find me a husband. Her instructions were as follows: Straight teeth, no red hair, taller than me and must love kids. A few months later she delivered me Brian. Neither of us were impressed with one another, but somehow we agreed to see each other again. On the second date he asked me out to the movies. I told him I couldn’t because I was taking A and O roller skating, he replied with “oh, I have my nephews tomorrow I will meet you there”! I thought wow, what a great guy. The next day my little 2 year old O was completely smitten with him and I thought this guy would be a great dad, I could marry him. Plus he was here right on time according to my schedule.

After 6 months of marriage I stopped taking birth control and started taking prenatal vitamins. In July 2009 I got rid of my two door civic and got a better family car. In October I joined weight watchers to get on a healthier track to get pregnant. In December, Brian traded in his truck for a four door truck (better for baby car seats). I was going to the gym on a regular basis and doing everything I could to get my body in tip top baby carrying shape. By March I was down 30 pounds, well 31 to be exact ;) I had been taking my temperature every morning for months and doing everything the book (What to expect before you’re expecting) said to do. Then it happened on March 24, 2010, we got our positive pregnancy test. With December 1, 2010 as our due date (which was later changed to November 30, 2010) this put me at 26 years old…right on track!

I did everything I was supposed to do, not ever one sip of alcohol, no drugs not even a Tylenol. Lots of water, read all the books, bought all the stuff, took the child birth classes and breast feeding class. At 20 weeks we went to our ultrasound where we got the best news, healthy baby girl! A GIRL!!! Not only was I pregnant, but I was having a girl, life was good! Everything looked healthy and great. At 6 months along I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes. It was no big thing. It was the mildest case and was easily controlled by diet. I went to every prenatal appointment; there was always a perfect heartbeat and nothing to worry about.

I followed all the “rules” every single one of them. All my life being a rule follower has paid off for me. Why not now with the one thing I wanted most. I’ve been patient, I waited for Addison for more than the standard 9 months, it was 26 years of waiting, wishing and hoping.

What a cruel joke to get the perfect daughter I have waited my whole life for her just to be taken away. I feel like she is being held over my head and if I could just reach high enough I could have her back.

I’m annoyed she isn’t here with me, I’m annoyed we have to start all over again and I’m annoyed that no matter how exact I follow every rule that nothing is certain. Mostly I am sad, but today my emotions are turning my sadness into anger. I mean seriously what have I ever done to deserve this kind of pain??? I don’t think anyone deserves this kind of pain, it’s just not fair.

The day Addison was born I remember holding her in my arms with my entire family in the room with us. As I looked around the room at my parents, grandparents, siblings, friends, Brian and lastly at Addison I lost it. I just kept saying “this isn’t fair”. It isn’t fair that my family is sad on what should be such a happy day, it isn’t fair that my husband has had so much loss in his life, it isn’t fair that I don’t get to be the mom I know I am capable of. It isn’t fair to Addison that she misses out on such a great family. As odd as it sounds the expression on Addison’s face changed throughout the day, a lot of the time she looked pissed and I remember thinking of course she is pissed, she knows what a great life she would have had with us and this situation is the least fair to her. I’m so sorry Addison, I’m so sorry I couldn’t change this for you and for us…it isn’t fair.


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