Friday, January 7, 2011

Dead Inside

I am feeling rather dead inside this week, I know it is just a phase, but I'm tired of it, I'm tired of being sad, I'm tired of my family and friends being sad and well I'm just tired. I really thought this week would be extra hard for me since it is the one month mark of losing Addison, but it wasn't...I just feel numb.

On the 4th Brian and I went out to dinner since we were both feeling blah and neither of us wanted to cook. We went to Applebee’s and as the waitress was taking us to our table we passed a table of 5 moms, each with their brand new babies...hard enough?!? Nope it gets worse...well one of the moms was from our childbirth class and yells out as we are walking by "where's your little one"? Oh jeez!!! Enter speechlessness! Well that's not exactly something you can just yell back in passing so I just told her we would come back after we had been seated. Brian and I pulled ourselves together, took a deep breath and walked back to the "baby table". The mom we knew holds up her baby and starts telling us all about him (I have to admit, he was super cute). As she is talking to us I am thinking two things, 1. This is going to suck to tell her and 2. four of the babies were girls and none of them were half as cute as Addison...hehe, I'm just saying...ok maybe that's my mommy pride kicking in :)
So anyways, we say what we have to say and then...awkward! We headed back to our table; pretty proud that neither of us cried, but then dinner was quiet and neither of us was very hungry...I wonder if that was some kind of test and if so, I think we passed!

I went to my parent's house after and Brian went home. My dad had come into my office that day pretty upset over the day and I just wanted to check on him and the rest of the fam. It's always nice to talk with people who love and miss Addison like I do. When I got home it was pretty clear that Brian was having a hard night, we just sat together and then decided to go to bed early.
 I was sad too, but no tears were coming...maybe I am cried out! Poor Brian got hit hard with a "sad night" I am used to be the one to cry myself to sleep, but I am not used to being on the other end of it...I have a whole new respect for him. Listening to the one you love cry themselves to sleep is beyond hard! With that said, I have to say that it really helps me that Brian can cry about this too. He has never been a "crier", but the fact that he can cry about Addison makes me feel less alone and just shows what a great daddy he is and how much he misses his little girl. I know we don't have to cry to miss her, but every once in a while it's good to get it out...even if my once in a whiles are more frequent.

I stopped by the “baby garden” at the cemetery yesterday. I wanted to see where we could put Addison’s stone. It was overwhelming sadness when I got there. When you look at all the baby stones there and think about how many people are connected to each stone and how sad they are…it’s a lot, but amazingly no tears…seriously I may be dead inside!

For the first time I had someone tell me that Addison was in a better place…luckily I was prepared for this comment so I just said, well I disagree with you on that because the best place for Addison would be here with me, she wasn’t sick or in pain so her death didn’t “save” her from anything. She agreed with me…1 point for me! HA!

For the record, babies don’t make me sad. I have found a lot of people want to “protect” me from hearing about or seeing babies. The only time I get upset is seeing a parent with their child who isn’t being a good parent. I don’t have any problem seeing my friend’s babies or hearing about them. It’s not like I want any baby that I see, there is only one baby that I want and that is my Addi.

Tonight I think Brian and I will try and go to our favorite restaurant. We have been avoiding it since we go there all the time and know the waitresses will be excited to see us…little do they know, but it’s time to rip the Band-Aid off, we can’t avoid it forever!


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