Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Grammy Eloise

Grammy Eloise
 Today is the nine year anniversary of Brian losing his mom to breast cancer. I never got to meet Eloise, but I have always felt like she had something to do with Brian and I being together. Neither one of us were interested in each other at first, but for some reason we kept going out and we never broke up. Seems like something a mother would meddle in since I am sure she knew we were supposed to be together even when we didn't.

When we lost Addison all the thoughts of "where is she" swirled in my head. I believe in God and heaven, but my thoughts of what heaven are have always seemed very cartoonish. I don't picture Addison as an angel floating around from cloud to cloud, it's ok if you do, but I just don't. When I think of Addison the thought that gives me the most comfort is picturing her being rocked to sleep by her Grammy Eloise.

I talk to Eloise sometimes just asking her to make sure my baby is ok. I talk to Addison too...probably more now than when she was in my belly. I was never very good at that, Brian and I both found it odd to have one sided conversations with my belly. I regret that so much now. I just kept thinking, I'll talk to her all the time when she is here! Now, I know how precious that time was with her and it makes me cry to think of all the missed conversations I could have had with her. I wrote in a journal through my pregnancy telling her how much I loved her and how wanted she was, but I never said it out loud...I will never forgive myself for that.

During my pregnancy we could never settle on a name...we could never agree on one. The only name we ever really agreed on was Addison, but I couldn't commit to it because I knew it was gaining in popularity and while I didn't want her having a unique name like mine I wasn't sure I wanted her to be in a classroom at school with 5 other kids named the same thing. The only middle name we ever really said out loud was Eloise after Brian's mom. Brian would try to call her Addison during my pregnancy and I would always get mad, that's not her name yet! I really wanted to see her face to know if she was an Addison or not. Now I wish I could have committed earlier.

In the hospital hours after we heard the terrible news I remember Brian being right next to me and I just told him that her name had to be Addison Eloise, there was never another name that stuck and it was her name to have. I didn't even need to see her to know that was her name.

So to my mother-in-law Eloise know that we miss you here terribly, but are so glad to have you taking care of our sweet baby girl. I will put your favorite flowers (Iris') out for you today, like I do every year. Kiss Addi extra much for us, rock her and sing to her, she really likes Bob Marley, but I'm sure you already know that.
Love,
me
*This year I added a pink rose for Addi :)

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