Sunday, January 30, 2011

Addi's Obit

Well the obituary was posted today online and in the paper. The good news is that it is correct in the paper, the bad news is that they listed her under her middle name instead of her last name on line...I am less than happy about this. I was wide awake by 6:30 this morning and had to come check online. I was so mad when I saw it was wrong. I threw on some clothes and ran to the gas station to get a paper, luckily it was correct in there.

I left a message with the paper, but they are closed on Sundays...all I can say is that it better be fixed ASAP Monday morning. I know this isn't a big deal to most people, but this is all Addison gets as far as her name being out there for the world to see and it is not ok with me for is to be anything less than correct!

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Sad 2.0

Well after Thursday's post, things just got worse. Usually I LOVE Thursdays as they are Grey's nights (my sister and I go over to my mom's house to watch Grey's Anatomy and have clam dip and Pepsi)! It's really just a great excuse to get together once a week no matter what is going on in our lives.

Work sucked and I was still sad so I decided to visit my granparents on my mom's side. It was a good visit, but I found myself not really listening to what my grandma was saying. The whole time she was talking I was wishing that I was a little girl again and that I could climb up in her lap and she could make things all better. I hate that she is getting older and I realize how special our time is this point it would probably make more sense for her to climb up in my lap!

After that visit I went home to feed the dogs and then headed over to my parent's house. I decided to visit with my dad's parents a little first (yes all my grandparents are still alive, married to each other and live 10 minutes away from me). I know how lucky I am and I try to visit each of them at least once a week. It was a good visit with them too. They all talk about Addison with me so that is wonderful. My dad's mom lost 3 full term babies an hour after birth. They had the RH factor, but they didn't know that then. I don't want to imagine doing this 3 times! The worst part is that it wasn't talked about so she dealt with her losses all on her she didn't go completely nuts is beyond me even years after she is gone my heart is broken for her.

Grey's was a repeat, but it was more about spending time with the fam anyways. I showed them the obit and got their approval. On my way home I just felt weird. I spent some time with Brian and then went to bed...or tried to at least. It wasn't long after laying there the tears began to fall. This is pretty normal and it's been a few days so it seemed fine. Then out of nowhere I started crying hard. Like can't catch your breath, body shaking, noisy crying! Poor Brian! Thank goodness he didn't have to work the next day. This sort of crying lasted over an hour and then just soft crying for about another hour...When you are already exhausted this kind of crying really takes its toll! I think I managed to fall asleep just before 2am.

There is something slightly ironic about this. I am supposed to be kept up at night from crying, but it's not supposed to be my own! You would think sleep would be the one benefit I would get out of this, but you would be wrong!

I was SO tired the next morning, but felt a little better. Made it to work and then started crying at my desk...fml. I hate crying at work, luckily this is only the second time. I tried to be quiet about it, but when I couldn't control it I went to sit in my car for a few minutes. I did manage to pull myself together and made it through the rest of the day.

Today is a better day, maybe I just needed to get that out of my system since it’s been a few days. Tonight it is Brian's office party...I am so not looking forward to going only because I was so I excited to get to bring Addison this year. It's the same with the super bowl party his boss has. Just a few weeks before Addison was born we went shopping for her super bowl outfit...I am not sure whether I will be able to go to that. It all depends where I am at emotionally when that day comes.

It's funny how some days I feel like I am doing so well (for my circumstances) and then others I feel like I am going backwards. I hate that it has been so long since I held my baby girl and kissed her sweet little face. I know it's only going to get longer and that kills me. So here we are another Saturday. The 8th Saturday with no Addison, it's far too many, but the reality is that there will be more to come.

Thursday, January 27, 2011


I'm feeling really sad today, no specific trigger just a buildup of everything. I think it really started Tuesday after work. I went to the chiropractor for an adjustment. As I am waiting I notice the woman in the waiting room with me...she is pregnant, but that doesn't upset me. Then the receptionist comes over and starts talking to her asking her all about her pregnancy...I think I am still ok. Then out of nowhere my heart starts racing, my throat tightens and I can feel the tears start to well up. I am practically screaming at myself (in my head) not to cry. I'm thinking don't make a scene, don't draw attention to yourself, just hold it together!

I think the main reason I had such a reaction was just because I had that same conversation with that same receptionist just a few months ago. The girl was just blissfully happy and I hated her for that. She wasn't thinking about all the things that could go wrong and why should she, I was blissfully happy at that point in my pregnancy too.

The receptionist asked her all the "normal" questions, how far along, was this the first child, was the nursery ready and then she asked her boy or girl...I paused took a deep breath and prayed she would say a boy...not that it really matters, but that's just what I was thinking. She said it's a GIRL she sounded so completely thrilled then she asked if they had a name. Her name was going to be Madison. I wanted to say something like please stop talking because you guys are slowly killing me! I didn't I just sat there looking down at the floor trying not to engage.

After they were done talking I just kept thinking...does she know that having a healthy baby isn't a given, does she know there is no guarantee that she will get to take her baby home, does she know how lucky she will be if she gets to do that, does she know??? I hope she never has to know.

After work yesterday I went to the cemetery where we will eventually get a headstone for Addi. I couldn't help, but be a little angry that she didn't already have a stone there. I can't even explain the hurt I feel for her not having a spot there. Hopefully I will be able to pick one out for her this weekend. I drive passed that cemetery everyday on my way to and from work and every trip breaks my heart a little more. I will post a picture of the “baby garden” where Addi will go.

Last night we went to a different support group. It's nice to talk about Addison with other people that know what this is like. I don't know how much it helps, but it certainly doesn't hurt. This time the people had much more recent losses so it had a much different feel than the last group.

When we got home I decided to take 1 Advil pm. It's been over a week since I have had a whole night of sleep. I convinced myself that I have been feeling more sad than normal because of my lack of sleep. I slept through the whole night last night, but I still feel sad today. I was on my way to make a few bank deposits and I had to pull over. I could feel that all too familiar lump in my throat and my eyes were starting to well. I had a good cry on the side of the road, talked to Addison a bit and then pulled myself together to finish my errands. There is nothing like feeling like you are making progress and then having a day like this to knock you flat on your behind!

This week I started working on Addison’s obituary…there’s nothing like writing an obituary for a baby. Talk about a crappy scenario. Then I send it in to get a price quote $295.30!!! Holy crap! I really think this should be more of a courtesy than anything. So then we were left with the choices of cutting it down or not. I really don’t want to. I already feel like she gets so little space in this world, that even if I have to pay for it, I want her to have it. The obituary should be in Sunday’s paper. I’m sure I will blog again once it is up.

So now I sit just waiting for this work day to be over. I know I am lucky to have a job in these hard economic times, but I can’t help, but resent my job. That’s a different story for a different day.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Grammy Eloise

Grammy Eloise
 Today is the nine year anniversary of Brian losing his mom to breast cancer. I never got to meet Eloise, but I have always felt like she had something to do with Brian and I being together. Neither one of us were interested in each other at first, but for some reason we kept going out and we never broke up. Seems like something a mother would meddle in since I am sure she knew we were supposed to be together even when we didn't.

When we lost Addison all the thoughts of "where is she" swirled in my head. I believe in God and heaven, but my thoughts of what heaven are have always seemed very cartoonish. I don't picture Addison as an angel floating around from cloud to cloud, it's ok if you do, but I just don't. When I think of Addison the thought that gives me the most comfort is picturing her being rocked to sleep by her Grammy Eloise.

I talk to Eloise sometimes just asking her to make sure my baby is ok. I talk to Addison too...probably more now than when she was in my belly. I was never very good at that, Brian and I both found it odd to have one sided conversations with my belly. I regret that so much now. I just kept thinking, I'll talk to her all the time when she is here! Now, I know how precious that time was with her and it makes me cry to think of all the missed conversations I could have had with her. I wrote in a journal through my pregnancy telling her how much I loved her and how wanted she was, but I never said it out loud...I will never forgive myself for that.

During my pregnancy we could never settle on a name...we could never agree on one. The only name we ever really agreed on was Addison, but I couldn't commit to it because I knew it was gaining in popularity and while I didn't want her having a unique name like mine I wasn't sure I wanted her to be in a classroom at school with 5 other kids named the same thing. The only middle name we ever really said out loud was Eloise after Brian's mom. Brian would try to call her Addison during my pregnancy and I would always get mad, that's not her name yet! I really wanted to see her face to know if she was an Addison or not. Now I wish I could have committed earlier.

In the hospital hours after we heard the terrible news I remember Brian being right next to me and I just told him that her name had to be Addison Eloise, there was never another name that stuck and it was her name to have. I didn't even need to see her to know that was her name.

So to my mother-in-law Eloise know that we miss you here terribly, but are so glad to have you taking care of our sweet baby girl. I will put your favorite flowers (Iris') out for you today, like I do every year. Kiss Addi extra much for us, rock her and sing to her, she really likes Bob Marley, but I'm sure you already know that.
*This year I added a pink rose for Addi :)

Saturday, January 22, 2011

6 Week Check

Brian and I went to the 6 week check-up On Friday...he reminds me that it was actually 6 weeks and 5 days ;) It went really well. They made our appointment at the end of the day and when we got there we signed in. There must be a flashing sign on the computer that says our baby died because as soon as the girl looked up my name her face changed and she rushed us into a room. When our doctor came in we said something about how they were so careful with us to make us wait in a room with a bunch of pregnant ladies and babies. For us it would have been ok, but it is sweet of them to be aware of that.

Doctor didn't seem to worried about my foot, but also didn't know what to tell us about it. I guess we just wait a little longer. He said everything was healing the way it was supposed to. I am really glad because God knows I don't need another set back.

He told us to wait 6 months before we start working on baby no. 2, which is what we were planning on anyways. He was sweet, told us he couldn't wait for the call from us to tell him we are pregnant again. I really believe he will go above and beyond for us with our next pregnancy, which is good because I am sure I will be a total nut case!

We went to dinner afterwards as Friday is date night. Halfway through dinner I noticed a lady I used to work with came in. We didn't make eye contact so I tried to avoid looking at her as to not make her uncomfortable...isn't that weird...I hate people avoiding me, but I avoid people so they don't have to avoid me...confused yet?!?! Anyways as we were leaving she said hello to me, so we had that brief awkward moment, but it was nice because she just mouthed she was sorry. I responded with "it's ok" then I was mad at's not ok...why do I say that? I need to just say thank you. Ugh. This is a learning process for me too.

This week was pretty good, I only had two meltdowns. Once when I was hanging up Brian's clothes in Addi's closet (we use that closet for overflow). When I opened the door her little Christmas dress was there, it's always been there, but it was hard that day. I just took it out, held it and rocked in the rocking chair until I could stop crying. The next time was at night, I couldn't sleep so I was getting up to go sleep on the couch and accidentally woke up Brian. He called me back to bed and then the tears started, he is good at holding me until I am done, then I was able to sleep...oh how I miss the days of falling asleep the second I hit the pillow!

Today was a beautiful day and all I could think about was how it would be a great day to go for a walk with Addi. I had a pretty good day today as far as days go, but she was still on my mind all day.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

It's not Fair

I am feeling very annoyed today. Everything is bothering me. The fact that all I ever wanted out of life was to be a mom (preferably to a little girl) and I waited 26 years for it just to be taken away really makes me mad. Most girls want something more out of life than to just be a mom…not me. Everything I have ever done my entire life was to get me to my baby. I played with dolls as soon as I knew what a doll was.
At 8 years old when I found out I was getting a baby brother I thought that was the best thing to ever happen…my very own live baby doll! For the record my baby brother who is almost 18 is still one of my most favorite people in the world. After he was born I was counting down the months till I was old enough to babysit.
At 11 I took the babysitting courses so I could babysit all the time. It was the best job ever! At 14 I met a family with a son named A that I still "babysit" for I say "babysit" because I love them so much it's just about spending time with them. That could not have been a better match up. Five years later they had a little girl, O. I couldn’t get enough of those two kids and lucky for me there mom is a great at sharing. All this babysitting was great because it allowed me to be around kids, great practice for that day when it would be my turn to be a mom.

I remember making decisions in high school based on what kind of stories I would want to tell my kids (can’t do this, I don’t want to have to tell my kid about that someday). Even the guys I dated were only guys I could picture myself marrying. My plan was to meet my future husband at 21, get married at 23 and have my first baby at 26.

At 21, I asked our friend to find me a husband. Her instructions were as follows: Straight teeth, no red hair, taller than me and must love kids. A few months later she delivered me Brian. Neither of us were impressed with one another, but somehow we agreed to see each other again. On the second date he asked me out to the movies. I told him I couldn’t because I was taking A and O roller skating, he replied with “oh, I have my nephews tomorrow I will meet you there”! I thought wow, what a great guy. The next day my little 2 year old O was completely smitten with him and I thought this guy would be a great dad, I could marry him. Plus he was here right on time according to my schedule.

After 6 months of marriage I stopped taking birth control and started taking prenatal vitamins. In July 2009 I got rid of my two door civic and got a better family car. In October I joined weight watchers to get on a healthier track to get pregnant. In December, Brian traded in his truck for a four door truck (better for baby car seats). I was going to the gym on a regular basis and doing everything I could to get my body in tip top baby carrying shape. By March I was down 30 pounds, well 31 to be exact ;) I had been taking my temperature every morning for months and doing everything the book (What to expect before you’re expecting) said to do. Then it happened on March 24, 2010, we got our positive pregnancy test. With December 1, 2010 as our due date (which was later changed to November 30, 2010) this put me at 26 years old…right on track!

I did everything I was supposed to do, not ever one sip of alcohol, no drugs not even a Tylenol. Lots of water, read all the books, bought all the stuff, took the child birth classes and breast feeding class. At 20 weeks we went to our ultrasound where we got the best news, healthy baby girl! A GIRL!!! Not only was I pregnant, but I was having a girl, life was good! Everything looked healthy and great. At 6 months along I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes. It was no big thing. It was the mildest case and was easily controlled by diet. I went to every prenatal appointment; there was always a perfect heartbeat and nothing to worry about.

I followed all the “rules” every single one of them. All my life being a rule follower has paid off for me. Why not now with the one thing I wanted most. I’ve been patient, I waited for Addison for more than the standard 9 months, it was 26 years of waiting, wishing and hoping.

What a cruel joke to get the perfect daughter I have waited my whole life for her just to be taken away. I feel like she is being held over my head and if I could just reach high enough I could have her back.

I’m annoyed she isn’t here with me, I’m annoyed we have to start all over again and I’m annoyed that no matter how exact I follow every rule that nothing is certain. Mostly I am sad, but today my emotions are turning my sadness into anger. I mean seriously what have I ever done to deserve this kind of pain??? I don’t think anyone deserves this kind of pain, it’s just not fair.

The day Addison was born I remember holding her in my arms with my entire family in the room with us. As I looked around the room at my parents, grandparents, siblings, friends, Brian and lastly at Addison I lost it. I just kept saying “this isn’t fair”. It isn’t fair that my family is sad on what should be such a happy day, it isn’t fair that my husband has had so much loss in his life, it isn’t fair that I don’t get to be the mom I know I am capable of. It isn’t fair to Addison that she misses out on such a great family. As odd as it sounds the expression on Addison’s face changed throughout the day, a lot of the time she looked pissed and I remember thinking of course she is pissed, she knows what a great life she would have had with us and this situation is the least fair to her. I’m so sorry Addison, I’m so sorry I couldn’t change this for you and for us…it isn’t fair.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Necklace and a card

Necklace Front

Necklace Back

I got my necklace today! It turned out so good and I love it so much! Addi's footprint is too perfect for words. This website was amazing

I also wanted to share my letter from O. She was so excited for Addison. At 7 years old this was a lot to deal with, but she is a trooper. Her letter to me goes like this:
I was hoping the baby was coming. When I heard the bad news I cry and cry I am sure you did too. All the love to you <3
(I corrected her spelling hehe)

Friday, January 14, 2011

"We haven't forgotten"

This week was full of firsts. I am still having the thoughts of "wow, the last time I did this or went here I was pregnant". If only I could go back and change things, if I knew then what I know now...I hate that, but that thought runs across my mind several times per day. God I miss being pregnant with my Addi!

I did two big things this week. The first was one of my friends from childbirth class invited me to come meet her new baby girl. I really wanted to, but I was super nervous about it. I hadn't held a baby since Addison and I didn't know what emotions I would feel or if I would be able to do it without being an emotional wreck. I thought about it all day and when it was finally time to meet her I took several deep breaths. They handed me their baby right away and...nothing! Wahoo! The visit was really nice and it was nice to see them and meet their new baby, but I had no emotional feeling towards it.
I am really happy that they are still friends and are able to include us, I am sure it was weird for them at first too. I think I would have been unsure of how to handle things if the situation were reversed. I wasn't sure if holding a baby would fill that aching void I have, but it didn't because it isn't a baby I am aching for, it is Addison. I actually worry that baby no. 2 won't give me that same feeling as I got from Addison, but that is a worry for another day. I know I will love a second baby, but the void left by Addison is here forever and honestly I wouldn't want anything to replace it.

The second was going to a PS meeting (parent support). The hospital has a monthly meeting for parents like us to meet and talk about our losses. Brian and I went together, I had knots in my stomach thinking about it...I just kept imagining one of those scenes in a movie from an AA meeting (I know weird, but that's all I could compare it to). I was picturing everyone sitting in a circle and saying "Hi, my name is _____ and I have a dead baby". Harsh, but true. I couldn't have made it less appealing in my head.
We got there and there was only one other person there and the leader, so technically two. They were both men...I really expected it to be all women and for Brian to be the odd man out, but no, I was the only mom. One lost his son 10 years ago and another lost his daughter 29 years ago...yep 29! It just goes to show you that you NEVER get over this. I think we will go again, but I don't know how many more. I still have 2 other moms to talk to who went through this and I think they are more help to me than the meeting, but it can't hurt to go.

Today is the 6 week mark. I can't believe it. Saturdays are still hard. I wake up and flash back to where we were. Like this morning it was 9 something and I was thinking how I was on my way to the hospital with no idea on how drastically my life would forever be changed. Now it's noon and I was in the delivery room talking about starting labor and changing into a hospital gown completely devastated and broken hearted. Is this how every Saturday will be? Now I am sitting in an empty house with just the sounds of the computer keys clicking and the dogs breathing all passed out next to me...there should be a baby crying or sleeping on me, I should be able to smell that sweet baby smell or hell even a blown out diaper! So many things we are missing out on.
 I thought by 6 weeks I would be me again...not so much. I still have numbness in my left foot from the epidural. They didn't seem to worried about it and honestly it doesn't hurt and it really isn't that annoying so if I have a little numbness in my foot forever and it reminds me that Addison was really here, I'm ok with it, not that I need a reminder, but it is still something that I can really feel.
I might get into some TMI so stop reading this paragraph if you want to...remember you don't have to read this! haha Well as of today by boobs are dried up, which makes me happy and sad all at the same time. I'm still sore down there and wonder how I am ever supposed to be with my husband again...poor Brian. We have our 6 week check up on Friday, which is closer to 7 weeks or so DH keeps reminding me ;) In all honesty DH is not pushy at all, completely patient and wonderful. I am a lucky girl to have such an amazing husband in so many ways :)

Ok, that part is over :)Hopefully the doctor will release me to workout at the gym. I really think it will help physically and emotionally, I am also hoping it will tire me out so I can sleep better at night.

For the most part I think this was a good week for me. I went to my parent's house the other day and they had received a card from a mutual friend that just simply said "we haven't forgotten" wow, those three little words are so powerful and so meaningful. I think that is my favorite thing ever written, so simple and so wonderful. If you ever want to lift my spirits, those are the words I need. Seriously, Wow! I haven't been able to stop thinking about that card all week and it wasn't even sent to me! People are freaking amazing!

They say teenage boys think about sex every 7 seconds. I never understood you could be functioning and working on something else while your mind flashes to something else. Well, I get it now. I am pretty sure I think about Addi at least every 7 seconds (I know this is a weird comparison, but it is true)! I can be in the middle of work or a conversation and her name just flashes through my brain, nonstop 24/7. You don't ever have to wonder if I am thinking about her because I am. I can't even control it. People are still afraid to bring her up to me...probably the ones that don't read this blog:) It's funny though because while they are cautiously not bringing her up so I won't have to think about it, all that is going through my head is, please say it, please say something...please acknowledge my baby.

Ok, I am off to accomplish something today, even if it is just vacuuming and doing laundry, but you can be sure of the one thing on my mind! I love you Addison!

Monday, January 10, 2011


Addi's prints from the hospital
Well, we made to our favorite restaurant. We were lucky because all the girls came up to us at once so we only had to say it the one time. It was easier than I had imagined. Now, I am really glad that we had to tell them and that they know because this is a place we can go where the people know that we have a daughter and she really existed, not just to us, but to them too.

On Saturday I had plans to clean my house, but instead I just wanted to do Addison related things. I did give one dog a bath, but that's the only none Addison related thing I accomplished. I was given this great website that makes necklaces with your child's actual footprint on it from a friend. I really wanted to get Addi's print scanned into the computer so I could get my necklace ordered. I went over to my parent's house and my brother got the print all scanned in for me (he is a really great brother) and the necklace is ordered. It will have her actual footprint on the front and her name and birth date on the back; I will post a picture when it comes in. I know it is just a necklace, but since it would be weird for most people if I carried around a picture of Addi, it will be nice for me to have something of hers that I can share with people without freaking them out. These tiny footprints have more meaning than I ever could have imagined.
I also sent her prints to another website that turns them into butterflies. When the butterfly print comes in I will make thank you cards/birth announcements with them to send out...since I can't put a real picture of my sweet baby on there, I thought that would be a cute alternative.

I also started on a second picture book, since the first one turned out so well with all our hospital photos, I wanted to make a book of all our pregnancy photos. I think I will call it "40 weeks with Addison". Any project I can do about her makes me happy...I hope I don't run out of projects too soon!

Last night Brian and I were watching a movie together. I was lying beside him with my hand on his chest, all the sudden I thought "wow, Addison would fit perfect right here"....shit, enter the tears. There are so many girls out there with daddy issues and I know Addi wouldn't have been one. It's a pretty safe bet that she would have been a daddy's girl...she already had Brian wrapped around her little finger, they would have been inseparable.

I go to a lot a banks for work and I went into one today that I hadn't been to since I was pregnant. Thankfully the lady already knew so I didn't have to explain it to her. She asked if she could hug me...funny to be asked by so many people, but it is nice. For the most part this lady is a stranger, but we have this "bank" relationship, I so appreciate people like her, in the grand scheme of things I am nobody to her, but Addison is forever in her thoughts, really heartwarming.

For the record, I am super excited about the cruise we are going on in March, but I would trade all the cruises in the world to be with Addison. We weren’t going originally because we didn’t want to leave our new baby and babies under 6 months aren’t aloud. It was after we lost her that my parents tried to add us to their cruise and found there was still time to add us. Yes, my parents are super wonderful! I had a pregnant friend say she was jealous of our cruise…well I’m jealous that you are having a baby and I‘m not!...I know she didn’t mean it, but the thought still went through my head…I’m dealing pretty well, but I still have my moments. I have been warned a lot that people say dumb things after something like this so I can usually bite my tongue or I have an answer ready to go.

Still feeling numb this week, I keep waiting for it to pass. Sleep is still hard to come by so I took some Advil pm last night…it was hard getting up this morning, but at least I didn’t lay there for hours last night trying to fall asleep. It’s definitely not a habit I want to form, but I really needed a good night’s sleep.

I really need a new or at least another focus. I will get working on that and I’ll let you know what I come up with. There are already a few things on my mind, so it’s time to make a list and start checking things off one by one!

Thank you to everyone who comments, texts, messages or sends cards to us still. It is SO appreciated. You will never know how much even the shortest of messages helps us. I get so much peace knowing that I am not the only one thinking of and missing our sweet Addi.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Dead Inside

I am feeling rather dead inside this week, I know it is just a phase, but I'm tired of it, I'm tired of being sad, I'm tired of my family and friends being sad and well I'm just tired. I really thought this week would be extra hard for me since it is the one month mark of losing Addison, but it wasn't...I just feel numb.

On the 4th Brian and I went out to dinner since we were both feeling blah and neither of us wanted to cook. We went to Applebee’s and as the waitress was taking us to our table we passed a table of 5 moms, each with their brand new babies...hard enough?!? Nope it gets worse...well one of the moms was from our childbirth class and yells out as we are walking by "where's your little one"? Oh jeez!!! Enter speechlessness! Well that's not exactly something you can just yell back in passing so I just told her we would come back after we had been seated. Brian and I pulled ourselves together, took a deep breath and walked back to the "baby table". The mom we knew holds up her baby and starts telling us all about him (I have to admit, he was super cute). As she is talking to us I am thinking two things, 1. This is going to suck to tell her and 2. four of the babies were girls and none of them were half as cute as Addison...hehe, I'm just saying...ok maybe that's my mommy pride kicking in :)
So anyways, we say what we have to say and then...awkward! We headed back to our table; pretty proud that neither of us cried, but then dinner was quiet and neither of us was very hungry...I wonder if that was some kind of test and if so, I think we passed!

I went to my parent's house after and Brian went home. My dad had come into my office that day pretty upset over the day and I just wanted to check on him and the rest of the fam. It's always nice to talk with people who love and miss Addison like I do. When I got home it was pretty clear that Brian was having a hard night, we just sat together and then decided to go to bed early.
 I was sad too, but no tears were coming...maybe I am cried out! Poor Brian got hit hard with a "sad night" I am used to be the one to cry myself to sleep, but I am not used to being on the other end of it...I have a whole new respect for him. Listening to the one you love cry themselves to sleep is beyond hard! With that said, I have to say that it really helps me that Brian can cry about this too. He has never been a "crier", but the fact that he can cry about Addison makes me feel less alone and just shows what a great daddy he is and how much he misses his little girl. I know we don't have to cry to miss her, but every once in a while it's good to get it out...even if my once in a whiles are more frequent.

I stopped by the “baby garden” at the cemetery yesterday. I wanted to see where we could put Addison’s stone. It was overwhelming sadness when I got there. When you look at all the baby stones there and think about how many people are connected to each stone and how sad they are…it’s a lot, but amazingly no tears…seriously I may be dead inside!

For the first time I had someone tell me that Addison was in a better place…luckily I was prepared for this comment so I just said, well I disagree with you on that because the best place for Addison would be here with me, she wasn’t sick or in pain so her death didn’t “save” her from anything. She agreed with me…1 point for me! HA!

For the record, babies don’t make me sad. I have found a lot of people want to “protect” me from hearing about or seeing babies. The only time I get upset is seeing a parent with their child who isn’t being a good parent. I don’t have any problem seeing my friend’s babies or hearing about them. It’s not like I want any baby that I see, there is only one baby that I want and that is my Addi.

Tonight I think Brian and I will try and go to our favorite restaurant. We have been avoiding it since we go there all the time and know the waitresses will be excited to see us…little do they know, but it’s time to rip the Band-Aid off, we can’t avoid it forever!

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

One Month

Wow...1 month...I can't believe it. Time is so weird now. On one hand I can't believe it's been a whole month since we lost our little girl and on the other it feels like it's been years since that day at the hospital. I feel like I have aged 10+ years. I have made more decisions that I ever could have imagined in such a short time period. I look in the mirror and don't even recognize myself...there is no color in my face and the spark that used to be there is lost. I hope it will come back someday, but maybe I will never look like me to myself because I am forever changed. I count the 4th as the day it all began because that is the day we found no heartbeat, the 5th is a day I am hoping can be happier because that is the day we met our sweet baby girl.

My time table for the last month goes something like this:
12/4-Found out Addison didn't have a heartbeat
12/5-Addison was born
12/7-left the hospital
12/8-made funeral arrangements
12/10-Addison's service
12/14-Brian went back to work
12/17-picked up Addison's ashes from funeral home
12/21-I went back to work
12/24-Christmas Eve dinner at our house
12/25-Christmas with the fam
12/27-Met with a mom like me
12/29-went home from work early after a "sad day"
12/31-1/2-New Years with friends, great getaway, but Brian hurt his knee

That was A LOT to fit into a one month period! There is something to be said for a "boring" month where nothing happens...I miss those times!

There were lots of "sad days" and nights in there, but I didn't keep track of all of them. 12/29 was a super hard day and I couldn't tell you why. I hate when it happens like that. I just woke up crying that day, no real reason or trigger. I decided to go to work and try and make it until noon and then reevaluate. I made it, but was even worse than that morning so I decided to go home.
I stopped at the grocery store to pick up some things I needed due to the fact that I had given birth, which made me sadder so I bought a maple bar too. Ate my maple bar on the way home, had a good cry, took a bath and ate my weight in ice actually helped a little! I wouldn't recommend it for an everyday fix, but it was what I needed for that day. I just wish I knew when "those days" were coming...some kind of a heads up, but no, some days are just "sad days" and I have learned that I have no control over when they come or how hard they hit. I have to be ok with it because this is my world now. If I can let some days be sad, it makes other days better.

On 12/27 I met with a mom like me. Its funny how many people have said to me "I know someone who went through this exact same thing". For the record that statement makes me crazy. I get that everyone is trying to help and most the time I can bite my tongue, but let me tell you that NO ONE has gone through this exact same thing. There are people with similar situations, but every situation is different and there is NO EXACT SAME THING...sorry had to get that off my chest :)
Any who back to the mom I met. I think if anyone could have a more similar scenario as me it would be this mom, so it was really nice getting to talk with her about what she went through. She explained that this is like being in "mommy purgatory". She was so right! I am a mom, I have held my daughter in my arms and looked into her face, but I didn't get to keep her and now I have to wait all over again to have a baby, but the one I want the most is off limits.

There are three moments that stand out in my mind as the hardest and can pretty much make me cry on command. The moment I was told there was no heartbeat (I don't think this one needs and explanation). The moment I had to hand Addison to the nurse for the last time. It was so incredibly hard. I knew she wasn't leaving with me, but the realness in saying goodbye was bigger than anything I have ever experienced and brought out the "ugly cry". Then there is the moment we left the hospital. Being wheeled out of the hospital with no baby in my arms was so cruel. The whole way to the truck I wanted to scream. Getting into the truck with her was a moment I had dreamt about and getting into the truck with the empty car seat behind me was unbearable.

I am doing pretty well for the most part...well at least I feel like I am. One thing that really bothers me is when people can't or won't look me in eyes or just flat out avoid me...I don't have the plague people! I have to say I really appreciate the people who will just come right out and say something even if it is just an "I'm sorry". I get that you don't know what to say to me, I don't know what to say to you, but we can figure it out. If you make me cry, it's ok.
 I would rather be asked about Addison than to pretend like nothing ever happened. I get that there is an elephant in the room for people, but for me it is my reality. I appreciate the people that check on me through emails, texts or Facebook, it's nice to be thought of and checked on. For the most part, I have been really lucky, I have great friends and family looking out for me, but for those who are scared of me I say...please stop it!

Today I was asked how big my little one was, that was hard, but still nice to be asked. I know the man was trying to help when he told me I could just have another one, but I can't just have another Addison, yes I can have another baby someday, but it will never be my Addison.

We have had the busiest, craziest and saddest month of our lives, but we are putting one foot in front of the other and we will make it. For me there is no other option, but to move forward. This will undoubtedly be the hardest year of our lives, but I look forward to what the future brings us. Please be kind 2011, we need some happiness.