Monday, December 27, 2010

Making it Through the Holidays

Addi's Christmas dress
Well...we made it! It's hard not to think about what could have been...what should have been. From picking out the tree with Addison to getting her picture with Santa, first family picture, her Christmas dress that is still hanging in her closet etc. etc.


Brian's brother and nephews were in town so it was busy at our house. I made dinner for Christmas Eve as usual, but it was just about going through the motions for me. I just couldn't get motivated to start dinner so I procrastinated as long as possible and then started cooking. I just felt blah all day long. We had a nice dinner with family (10 all together). I just felt wiped after dinner and even more so once everyone left.
I made it the whole day without crying until I climbed into bed...then it was time to fall apart. Thank goodness Brian is used to me falling apart at night. He just holds me and then I can usually fall asleep. Nighttime is generally the hardest for me, but this night was particularly difficult. I have never been so excited for Christmas as I was for this year, I even broke my rule of not listening to Christmas music before Thanksgiving was over...which I am so glad because I haven't been able to listen to it since losing Addison. After we lost Addison it changed from excitement about the holidays to just making it through. I did zero Christmas shopping and decorating. I did have all 130 Christmas cards stuffed and addressed, but couldn't bring myself to mail them...I had been waiting to mail them so I could include Addison's birth announcement. I still may send out some kind of birth announcement...it really bothers me that it's like she doesn't exist except to us. The newspaper doesn't post a birth or death announcement (we can post an obituary, which we will, but it's not the same).
Originally our plan was to scatter her ashes, but now I am bothered by the fact that nowhere in the world does she have a place with her name. We drove past the baby garden at the funeral home and I just lost it knowing that she should have a place there too.
So many things to think about…Christmas day was ok, it just felt weird. I felt like a shell of myself...I was there at my parent's house physically, but my mind was with Addison. It was clear she was on everyone's minds all day. It was a somber Christmas. We all talked about her and looked at pictures and went on with the day as best we could. The day after Christmas Brian and I went shopping for an ornament to hang on the tree every year in honor of Addison. We found a sweet little baby block that we had her name and birth date engraved on.

Every day is different and I knew Christmas wouldn't be easy, but we made it! Today I am back to work and after a week back, it's feeling a bit more normal...well the new normal. My body is even getting back to normal although that even makes me a bit sad...First I was sad that my boobs were leaking and now that they have almost stopped I find myself sad about that too...so weird, I know, but the changes Addison made to my body are going away and that is a different kind of sad.
I miss being pregnant, I loved everything about my pregnancy. Feeling Addison move was the most amazing thing ever. It's so hard to think that it will be a while before we are ready to get pregnant again and that I won't be able to be so relaxed as I was for Addison...terrified is probably the more accurate word. Here we thought we would have a new baby for Christmas and now that we missed 2010 it is more than likely we won't have one for Christmas 2011, we may be pregnant by next Christmas, but knowing two in a row will have no baby is really hard. I guess the best thing is just to focus on today...today I can handle.

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