On December 4, 2010, I woke up at 2:30am, this was pretty normal. I hadn’t felt the baby move much, but felt her by 4:30 and was able to go back to sleep. Her movement had been slow, but consistent and we had been warned that movement would slow as the time got closer for her to come. My husband Brian woke me up at 8:30 as he knew I had a scheduled non stress test appointment to attend this morning. He left for work and I woke up and began to get ready. It all seemed like a normal morning until I noticed she hadn’t moved since I had been awake. I decided to try to wake her up with some sugar so I drank some orange juice and…nothing. She has had her quieter mornings so I tried not to worry, but was eager to get to my appointment to hear her on the monitor.
I drove to the hospital and checked in to my appointment for 10am. I was greeted by a wonderful nurse. She welcomed me and got me set up for my test. I told her I hadn’t felt the baby move since 4:30am, she told me not to worry and started looking for the heartbeat. She tried to keep me as calm as possible as she searched for one tiny heart beat…nothing. She called in another nurse…nothing, as they brought in the doctor I asked if I needed to call my husband (with every new person they brought in my heart began to race faster and faster…I mean here I am at 40 and a half weeks pregnant and everything has been so good, certainly nothing bad would be happening…right?!?)
After the doctor and the sonographer were unable to locate the heartbeat we knew that was it. I remember begging and pleading them to find it and the looks on everyone’s faces. Devastation is a word that doesn’t even begin to describe it. Through my screams and sobs they were able to call my husband and my parents. The nurse climbed into bed with me and help me until Brian got there. My poor husband was told that he needed to come to the hospital, that I was physically ok, but things were not ok. We were given the option of going home to let natural labor set in or I could be induced. We couldn’t imagine going home with this news so I was admitted to the hospital. It was amazing how fast everything seemed to go. I felt like no time had passed, but hours had gone by. I was hooked up to machines and labor had started. I was given an epidural so I wouldn’t have to be in much physical pain. After hours had passed the epidural started to fade and the pain was becoming unbearable. They were talking C-section as the baby’s face was turned and they were unsure as to if I could deliver her vaginally. I was put into different positions every 30 minutes to try and rotate her. I was determined not to have a C-section, but I really wasn’t too worried, she had been a perfect baby the whole pregnancy and I knew even in death she would cooperate.
At about 2am we were told we were at least 8 hours away from delivery, so we sent our family home and tried to get some sleep. It was the worst sleep we have ever gotten, but it was the best we could get. I was in pain and breathing through contractions and my husband was awake at every noise I made. He was truly amazing through this whole process.
Family came back in the morning and I started to feel the urge to push around 9am. We decided the delivery would just be for the two of us and asked the family to wait in the room next door. At 10:40am on Sunday December 5, 2010, she was here. Addison Eloise our long awaited baby girl, perfect in every way except that she was not ours to keep. It turns out the cord had gotten wrapped around her neck two times and one was so tight that is wasn’t even noticed at first, the doctor said it was a nuchal cord. I guess she couldn’t wait to start on the gymnastics we had been promising her. We were able to hold her and love her and when we were ready the family came in, two at a time, to love her with us. She was 8lbs, 21 ¾ inches blonde hair, blue eyes, my nose and Brian's chin, just the perfect combination of the two of us. Everything we could have ever wanted for our baby.
We were able to dress her and take pictures and really just be with her and look into this face that we waited so long to see. We tried to do all the things we could with her so we would have as few regrets at possible in the future. We cut her nails and Brian changed her diaper (he had never changed a diaper before). My dad cut her hair. We took almost 300 pictures, which seemed like a lot then and now doesn’t seem like enough. We made sure everyone got a chance to have their own time with her as she wasn’t just for Brian and I, she was all of ours.
Throughout my pregnancy we couldn’t settle on a name. The only name we ever agreed on was Addison and we had talked about Eloise for a middle name as that was Brian’s mom’s name and she had passed away from cancer before we had met. Brian would call her Addison and I would always say that’s not her name yet. In the hospital, we knew that had to be her name. Our sweet baby Addi.
We had someone say that this must be the worst day of our lives and it really wasn’t, hearing she had no heart beat on the 4th was, but this day, December 5th the day we got to see our baby and hold her, however bitter sweet was still the day we met our beautiful baby girl Addison and one that we will treasure for the rest of our lives.
Addison was the most amazing baby that I was given the privilege to carry. She was ever so gentle in her movements and whenever she poked me too much a gentle rub from me would have her backing off right away. I have to believe she was going to be as kind and gentle on the outside as she was on the inside. She will forever be in our hearts and on our minds as she was and is our daughter.